I have not written to you before and thought it was probably time that I did, seeing as we have been living in the same body for 33 years now. I am the one you screw around. The one you make your slave. The one you watch prick my fingers 15 times a day, push needles into my stomach. I am the one who tends to you, tries to work around you, feeds you with insulin, worries about you, takes you everywhere I go. My mind is the one that got messed up when you first came to live with me when I was just a little girl and the one who shouts at you every now and then.
We have been through a lot you and I, there were all those years when I did not treat you very well. I remember how I starved you of your need for insulin injections. And how I used to eat too much, drink too much and try to pretend you were not there. Just so you know, I was not ignoring you it was just that you made my life hell and I was not sure I would ever work out how we could have a happy relationship.
I really hope you appreciate how much room I have made in my body and my life for you. If it was not for me, you would not even exist. And in some strange way, although I often wonder what it would be like if you left me, I know if you did not exist I would not be the person I am today. I am not sure what you think, but I do think we are doing ok mostly. I would not say it is a match made in heaven, but I have become used to you. I am not sure how it would feel not to have you in my life. I am not going to apologise for the days where I get angry, frustrated and upset with you. I think anyone would understand given how hard you make me work. I mean what other relationship never lets you rest? Never lets you eat, sleep, exercise, travel, work, play, get sick, get your period, have babies, walk through each and every day of your life, without a break?
And, what other relationship holds over your head ALL the time, the fact that if I don’t look after you, you will shower me with all the horrible complications you can bring to my life. You have already brought me some of those. I will not thank you for that. I am not sure if you are trying to punish me for not caring about you when I was younger. I am not sure if it is your fault, my fault, or a combination. I am glad that you have seen fit to let me keep my eyes, my kidneys and my feet, for now. I really wish you would not try to scare me with these threats, do you know what that does to a person’s mind?
And while we are at it, one thing I would love to ask is why you don’t play fair? Have I not treated you well, mostly? I mean honestly just when I think I have you sussed, you turn on me and make life difficult. You would think that by now, you would be easy to handle but there are some days where I just don’t get you. You are certainly a tricky thing, just saying.
If you could, please try to stay consistent. I do not appreciate working out how to deal with a certain food just to have you stuff it all up the next time I eat it. I do not appreciate you being quiet and calm one day when I exercise and trick me into thinking I have it worked out, only to jump out at me from nowhere the next time I do exactly the same exercise and drop me on my ass with a low blood glucose – stealth attack I call that one. And I do not appreciate how you interfere in everything I do. I have never met anyone who is so over involved in another person’s life. Could you please give me a break sometimes?
One thing I can say is that despite the ways you have tried to make me suffer, I have been able to conquer you so many times. Just look at my 3 beautiful children. I bet you thought I would never be able to do that with you around. Got you there! Oh sure you made it hard, actually it was an epic, difficult sometimes traumatic, exhausting, but ultimately beautiful experience. You tried your hardest but in the end I won. That is because, dear Diabetes, you have made me a better and a stronger person than I would have been without you. And for that I thank you.
So, if you have anything to say to me, I am sure you will. You are really good at making your presence felt, even when I try to ignore you. I am sure I will see you soon. Probably the next time I prick my finger and watch the countdown to see how much you have a grip on me at that moment.
See you soon.
yours in pancreatic failure