I have had diabetes (Type 1 on insulin) for 36 years and 11 months. I have never tried to hide my diabetes but I have never been part of a diabetes group or support group and have not even had a diabetic friend (thought I found one last week but she hasn’t responded to my message).
It was one week before I turned 13, I never asked for diabetes and the continual judgement of my behaviour based on a urine or blood test has taken its toll. I’m probably my own worst enemy, always looking back and criticising what I’ve done and looking at how if I lead a completely boring and rigid life I could have good test results……
I have however, survived the teenage years, marriage, the pregnancy, birth and growing up of three children, returning to full time employment after having been at home with the kids for 15 years and remaining in full time employment for the last 11 years.
A couple of things have probably prompted me to write this, one is that I am 50 next month and feel that my life has been very shallow always working twice as hard to do what other people do so easily and the other is that until two weeks ago I have been injecting myself with insulin all of my diabetic life. I am now on the Insulin pump and the last two weeks have been the most depressing, stressful and lonely time of my life.
I have wondered if life is worth the effort and cannot think of anything that makes me feel really happy or if I have ever been really happy. I’m sure there have been times but just can’t remember them while I feel like this.
Maybe its the continual pain in my back or the falls I’ve had due to some neuropathy, and the fun I make of myself to cover up the embarrasment of a fall in the street, although the last one was in the shower and no one saw me …..thank god.
I feel that the people who encouraged me to the pump must have had a personal gain for themselves because the support has definitely been lacking since I accepted that I should give it a try.
What annoys me is that I have to work so hard just to do what most people do. I hate it that I feel guilty for not feeling well and for trying to keep going because others might think that I’m using diabetes as an excuse. Sometimes I wish some of the people at my work could experience a hypo especially in the middle of a meeting (and I’m only the minute taker). Maybe try to unwrap a lollie paper quietly, sneak it into your mouth and to continue with the minutes whilst concentration is difficult and words are blurring into one another.
I wish things had been different and that I had gone on to University, studied and had a career maybe then I would have had the confidence and self esteem to leave the meeting and look after myself instead of being “just an admin officer in the Public Service who should feel thankful that I have a job”.
I’m sorry if this is sounding so depressing I really don’t want to burden the people, who I know from the letters on this site, have experienced the same things I have. It really was refreshing to hear people having a bitch about diabetes, sort of made me feel like I’m not on my own.
Thanks for this site.